So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
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Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Worth the read.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…