As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.