One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
You Might Also Like
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.