doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
When someone says you are so lazy
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.