The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me My dog
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.