just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…