I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
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Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist