guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
You Might Also Like
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”