Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.