My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
some things should go without saying
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.