The pen is writier than the sword.
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My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.