Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok