I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
You Might Also Like
Never ghost your hitman.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.