Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.