Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.