Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie