I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Can. I. Help. You.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*