awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
U talkin 2 me?
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.