If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
You Might Also Like
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Going to church you guys need anything
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly