A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.