Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Well, that should do it
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Google assistant rules
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.