All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
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This hospital has everything
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*