Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Nice try Hitler
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.