Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
You Might Also Like
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I have two kinds of followers
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?