FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Heroic Misunderstanding
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*