I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
When I grow up, I want to be 16
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Strange
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
How do you like your Corgi?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs