Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
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Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.