Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*