“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Sign of the day..
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera