my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
WTF
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me too 😆
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.