*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
fixed it
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
🤣😂🤣
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me