*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
(Electricians.)
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him