So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Stick it to the man
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache