Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…