absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
You Might Also Like
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Become ungovernable.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.