I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Breaking news:
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Whisper out to librarians!
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
me, after any kind of buffet.
I think this cat is broken
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.