I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.