I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.