when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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Morningbreath
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter