me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻