Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay