The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My therapist after every session
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Thursday
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!