If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
You Might Also Like
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes