I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Bit chilly again tonight.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I forgot how to panic. Help
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Thursday
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]