If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.