The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
You Might Also Like
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”