My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
just gave your address to some spiders
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.