Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
This is Sparta
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The answer is funnier than the question
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.