May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.