Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
This could be us… but you playing
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.